written by Dr Tricia Working

..... You kept it to yourself

I would have been there

Tried to stop it,  fix it, heal it

3 days, within 3 days you were gone

I HAD NO TIME TO PREPARE

I wanted to journey with you

But you chose to go forward alone

Teaching me to treasure each moment

For it is not guaranteed .....

These words begin a journey that I was forced to take within myself, one begun and halted many times over by events, circumstances, my own terror of what I would find when facing my deepest pains and darkness, alone within myself, without  the protection of friends and loved ones  -  I who was brave enough and willing to journey cancer and death with my companion of nearly 11 years, yet I could not turn within and face my own sacred wounds, covered over by a lifetime, yet still too raw and jagged, too close to the surface though buried deeply, sacred, private, painful fragments of my soul floating aimlessly with no anchor.

October 27, 05

I returned from my sojourn a few days ago, not healed as I had thought to be, yet more peaceful, a feeling of gratitude as yet unexperienced  in my life to this level for the loves and the friendships and the endurances of all, including myself. **(expand)

I picked up the ashes today, just 3 weeks tomorrow since the journey of death and somehow, my own renewal began. Still can’t think, feel, sensate yet, but on some level I realized as I was gazing at a porcelein bowl a friend had given me that my cats had broken, appropriate that it had a cat  painted in it, and I was attempting to glue it back together – That which I value most in my life is that which is broken, including those aspects of myself – The relationships I have cherished the most, the friendships, even the animals who share my heart’s deepest scars, arrive in my life broken on some deep level.  **(note the idea of always gluing the broken pieces back, everyone is broken,somewhere inside, the cracks just don’t always show)

I think that even as a small child, I have always had the ability to see these ‘sacred wounds’ that we have been taught to cover over rather than to heal – to bury rather than embrace – to cut out rather than integrate into ourselves. We are so trained in the notion of ‘toxicity’ and to fear dark aspects of ourselves, the shadows, that we no longer know how to respond to the questions that our souls are sending us and the divine guidance that lies within us, the intuitive imperatives that demand us to heal.

I have very long but very thin nails, and because I love my long nails, I have to cap them for protection, so I have to use nail glue to help seal them. I can’t bear the feeling of short nails, it’s not me, so I make that choice and I have that option – however, they don’t make super glue for the soul.

Each of us is walking around with our jagged edges and soft underbellies trying to protect them – we each have our tragedies that have defined us, outlined the scope and threads of our lives.

But you can only mend a tear so many times, glue that piece back so many times, rip the scab off so many times, a patch does not last forever, but healing does – healing is both an ending and a beginning.  (January 4, 2006)
  click photos below for bigger pics